I feel that this year I’ll do more of what I want to do.
Years ago, I was this child filled with greatness and as the years went by I had allowed comments to guide my actions. Not understanding then that people aren’t perfect. We are all guided by our experiences and at time strongly believe what comes out of our mouth.
“I don’t see you as that type of person”
“You? ??!!! LOL”
“You can’t dance”
“No!!! Dat no soun ‘ good” (me trying to sing and started wrong)
Oh the fuck yous and bashed in heads I have for you. Yes, I’m short tempered that’s why I’m on the reserved end of the vocal spectrum. The many years that I’ve been in this ring called life taking hits from those considered amateurs and heavyweights and boy some of these boxers were annoying in their approach.
I will never forget when I visited my ailing grand cousin and when asked to pray for my mother (she was a pastor in her day), she looked at me and spoke. What she said unfortunately I can’t remember. I thought it was a mistake, and thinking about it now it was God’s way of showing me that he did not forget me. That he was still and always watching over me.
My “relationships” have been interesting but I won’t ever say that I regret them but I know now that I’ve grown from then til now. There are few loose strings that need to be cut and that will be soon.
I’ve reached a point where I’ve realized that I’ve been living for people and have not truly lived for me. That ends now. How can I be an adult if at 24 I’m still concerned about what people have to say? None a unno cyah beat me; the most you can do is get upset and malice me. You do that, I can get a break from you for a while. I won’t be the one affected. There are moments in which they’re advice would count but not always.
I’m learning to be my true self and I like it. You can deny yourself for so long but eventually it will affect you immensely.
Evidence of what I can be was first noticed on my leadership challenge for the Blue Mountains. There were moments where I wanted to give up but motivated myself on the fact that I couldn’t tell people that I was there as I never made it to the top. Plus the mountain kept croaking in the dark. Another instance was being president for my Optimist Club. Right now, I have no idea what I’m doing, but the reassurance of my exec team, members and other Optimist members have me pushing to make my year a good one.
My beauty is an factor that in my reflection I’m taken aback.Why are you intimated by me though? You see immense beauty and all I can look it how strong my genes are. I see my father his brothers and his mother in my face- to me that’s not cute. They’re family (cracking up as I write this).
I’ve been been belittling my own self using past experiences of when people told me no. Another year is approaching and I intend to do more and talk less. To think highly of myself and try rather than assume that because someone has done it and it didn’t work for them, I’ll also have that same response.
My ramblings may not mean much but it’s helping me as I complete this blog. I’m in a fragile state now. If I answer you in a way that surprises you. I’m currently renovating.